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9 tips for surviving long distance relationships (or, how we’ve successfully managed a 4 year LDR)

BY ONEIKA RAYMOND

I live in Hong Kong. My husband lives in New York City. Here are my tips for surviving a long distance relationship as a 4+ year LDR veteran.

It’s the ultimate international love affair: he’s German, I’m Jamaican-Canadian, we met in Hong Kong.

We said I love you the first time in Vietnam, lived together in London and NYC, and got engaged and married in Berlin.

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Just married

But then, there’s another part to this story. We’ve been together nearly seven years, but have lived on different continents for four. Yes, you read that correctly. We have lived in different countries, on different continents, for FOUR years out of SEVEN.

A brief-ish timeline for those who aren’t familiar: Liebling and I got together in late 2009, when we were both living in Hong Kong (for details of how we met, read this post).

Early 2010 saw Liebling move to London for work (he’s in finance), but I was still tied to Hong Kong because I was under contract (I work in education). Besides, we weren’t going to up and move to be with someone after only a few months of dating! For a year and a half, we tried our hand at long distance, throwing caution to the wind and hoping for the best.

And things went well. In late 2011, I moved to London, where Liebling and I lived together and in so doing, allowed our relationship to grow.

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In love in London with Tower Bridge as a backdrop

Should have been the end of the story, right? But no. I missed my life in Hong Kong, and longed to return. So when an amazing job opportunity presented itself, I moved back for the second time in 2013.

Without Liebling. Ahem.

Recent followers of this blog can probably fill in the gaps after that: I taught for another two years in HK, Liebling and I continued to visit each other, we got married, then he was relocated to New York City for work.

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Stylin’ and profilin’ in NYC

I quit my job in Hong Kong and joined him a few months later, only to move BACK to Hong Kong (for the THIRD time) at the beginning of this year to replace a teacher at my old school who had quit. My contract is short term, only six months, and in a little under two weeks from now I’ll be boarding a plane back to New York City, where the plan is to live in wedded bliss with my darling husband.

Permanently. FINALLY.

(Sidebar: who am I kidding? That timeline wasn’t brief at all. Eh.)

To an outsider the whole situation is complicated and crazy. But it’s been successful: seven years later we’re still together, despite multiple time zones and cross-continental moves.

Which is why I think I’m pretty well placed to dispense advice about how to make a long distance relationship not just work, but thrive. People always ask me how we do it, and years ago, I wrote this post detailing my tips for a healthy LDR.

However, the information in that post is years old and now, years later, I feel compelled to provide an update. So, here are my revised tips and tricks to ensuring physical distance doesn’t pull you and your significant other apart emotionally.

Outline expectations for the relationship from the beginning

This is the first and perhaps most important step: you need to know what the heck you two are doing, align expectations, and set parameters for how to move forward.  This is important with a capital “I”! Firstly, you need to determine the nature of the long distance relationship you’re embarking on.  To wit: is this a committed, monogamous relationship? Or are you free to see other people, at least in the beginning?  If so, for how long?  What are your baseline physical and emotional needs?

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Early 2010 at Liebling’s bon voyage (costume) party in Hong Kong, right before we started our LDR 

Frequent (and scheduled) communication

It’s a given that great relationships are built on a foundation of open and frequent communication, but what to do when you live 12 time zones and two continents apart? Liebling and I have chosen to avail ourselves of every mode of comm tech known to man: we phone, we email, we Skype, and we send texts and voice notes using Whatsapp.  We even send each other photos, videos, and Google location pins so we can give more visuals of what we’re experiencing when we’re not together.

The idea behind all this? We keep each other FREQUENTLY updated with our whereabouts and what’s going on in our lives, and for the most part all we need is wifi and some Skype credit to do it (cost effective and convenient)! Like my first tip, it’s also important to outline the expectations for when and how often you will communicate.  At the very least, Liebling and I send signs of life twice a day: once when I get up in the morning (he’s in NYC so it’s evening over there for him), and once when he is on his way to work (so it’s evening for me in Hong Kong).  That is our baseline expectation for one another, and I can depend on that. After all, routines are so important in this type of relationship!

 

Make plans to see each other way in advance

Let’s face it: a relationship cannot thrive or grow if both parties are unable to be in the same physical space for any period of time.  Meetups need to be both scheduled and PRIORITIZED if the relationship will stay healthy.  I advise that wherever and whenever possible visits are scheduled way in advance: not only does a fixed date give you both something to look forward to and work towards, plane tickets and the like can also be secured more cheaply when booked ahead of time.  Target-setting in this respect is paramount. For as long as I can remember, I’ve never had to question or ponder when Liebling and I would see each other next– we always had all our visits mapped out. This has sustained trust and harmony in our union.

Use long distance as an opportunity to travel…

It’s pretty obvious that we love to travel– our mutual wanderlust is one of the reasons we connected in the first place.  As such, our long distance relationship has provided the perfect excuse for us to meet up in foreign lands and essentially “kill two birds with one stone” (i.e. see each other but still engage in a pastime we love). Liebling and I have travelled to around 50 countries as a couple and he’s one of the best travel buddies I’ve ever had.

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Playing around with perspective on our trip to Bolivia

…But be sure to visit each other on home turf

This is soooo crucial! It’s easy to get caught up in the romance and fantasy of vacation and be given the false assurance that your relationship is in tip-top shape.  But it’s essential to experience life with your partner outside of those long, languorous days spent on the beach of some secluded Caribbean isle, n’est-ce pas? For this reason I suggest planning visits where you are in the thick of each other’s “regular lives”.  Things to check: what’s your significant other’s routine? Are they messy or a neurotic neat freak? What kind of friends do they keep? How do they prioritize you within the landscape of their daily routine? How do they deal with stress when the pressures of work and play get to be too much? If your S.O. is visiting you, how do they interact with your friends and family members?

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Liebling with my family in Kingston, Jamaica

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Liebling with my family at my cousin’s wedding in Toronto, Canada

Make sacrifices for the other person– but not too many

I’m all about compromise and sacrifice in relationships, but not to the extent where it changes me fundamentally or makes me unhappy. Discontent in a relationship breeds resentment, and being continually resentful towards your partner will have a negative impact on your union. If you’re doing too much emotionally, financially, and mentally (especially when compared to your partner) you need to FALL BACK, because you *will* end up resenting them in the end. Remember that the most important person in the relationship is you and that you can’t properly love and care for someone else until you do so for yourself.

Make the most of your time together when you see each other…

 
Plan activities for two and schedule things that you both enjoy.  Recognize that even the mundane can become exciting when you do it with someone you love. If your partner is visiting your home, prioritize spending time with them over most other things (this may mean postponing a night out with the girls or the guys until after your boo has departed). Spend quality time with each other and refrain from little spats that serve little purpose in the grand scheme of things (like leaving the toilet seat up). Think bigger picture.
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Out for a stroll in Brooklyn, NY

…But have those difficult conversations and be honest about your intentions to be in the same place long-term (because LDRs have an expiration date)

DO make sure, however, that you have those “difficult” conversations about where the relationship is headed, even when you’re visiting each other or on holiday (actually, these are *precisely* the times you should be having these discussions– face to face communication about heavier topics is crucial). Evaluate the relationship with your partner and be HONEST with both them and yourself about how it’s going. If it’s really serious, at some point one or both of you will have to move so that you can be together on a more permanent basis. You need to talk about this!

Know when to walk away

In the words of the inimitable Kenny Rogers, “You got to know when to hold ’em, know when fold ’em, know when to walk away, know when to run”. Sometimes, despite all efforts to the contrary, your LDR is just not going to work.  And that’s okay. Life is too short to be unhappy, and the world is big.  Find your happiness elsewhere and in something or something else.  Take all that you’ve learned from your experience and use it as fertilizer for your next foray into love.

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On the beach in Sri Lanka on honeymoon

The takeaway

Long distance relationships are not for everyone, but Liebling and I are proof that they can be successful.

Our union has been a series of literal and figurative highs spanning time zones and latitudes. Of course, as with any relationship, there have been lows, but we’re still together because we ultimately know that there’s nobody else we’d rather be with.

I’ve offered some strategies for dealing with LDRs above, but at the end of the day it all boils down to the same thing: the need to put work into the relationship. Liebling and I have done so and now? We’re totally reaping the rewards.

For those of you in long distance relationships, how do you cope? Do you agree with my tips?

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9 Tips for Surviving a Long Distance Relationship- Oneika the Traveller

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