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Keeping in touch

BY ONEIKA RAYMOND


As I get ready to re-descend upon Toronto and start to make plans to see family and friends, I am struck by how little I have been in touch with people back home. A common complaint of many expats is that family and friends are often not that great at keeping in touch with loved ones who find themselves in foreign lands for work or pleasure.

I think that it’s true, and when I first started living abroad I lamented this fact. To be honest, sometimes I still do. Because, when I am away, I am often “out of sight, out of mind” for most of my friends, and I think that, were it not for my Facebook account, I would not be in contact with most people at all.

Promises of phone calls that never materialize, proposed Skype dates which end in no-shows, and unreturned emails and phone messages are something that I have grown accustomed to when dealing with a few of my closest friends. It used to really bother me, but as I learn and grow everyday, forge new friendships in a foreign environment, and relish in the treasures of navigating new languages and cultures, the sting of this neglect no longer stings at all. Because, in the end, what can you do?

Besides, I’m not alone in this occurrence. My friends and colleagues here, and when I lived in Mexico and France, all have said the exact same thing. Worse, when you do come home, my colleagues have complained, people are not remotely or aware interested in what you have been up to in your absence. One of my really good friends here, who has lived abroad for the last 9 years, says that the number of people that she contacts when she goes home every July steadily decreases with each passing summer. So now when she goes home, she only contacts one friend. Sad, no? But as she said, such is the life of an expat, and this is the life that we’ve chosen.

And it is indeed a lifestyle choice. I have missed countless weddings, births and birthdays, and holiday and impromptu gatherings. And yet, I wouldn’t trade any the things I’ve seen and experienced while living and working abroad.

Still, expat life can be isolating. Some people at home often don’t “get” it, don’t understand the draw of living thousands of miles away from home, in a new place where they may or may not speak your language, nor have the modern conveniences that you are accustomed to. Most of my friends back home could care less about the places that I’ve been and the things that I’ve seen. Their eyes glaze over when I talk about visiting the Great Wall of China, or the beauty of the animals whilst on safari in Tanzania. They don’t care about my day to day adventures in Hong Kong, and a simple yes or no answer to the question, “How’s Hong Kong?” will suffice. I even had one friend from back home ask me how I like living in Tokyo, believe it or not.

I now adopt a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to my travels, because I don’t want to come off as the know-it-all show off who runs off their destinations like a grocery list. And besides, travelling that is not of the all-inclusive Dominican Rebublic/ Daytona/ Cuba/ Cancun is just not on some people’s radar.

But I can’t really fault them for that. Life goes on whether or not you’re there. People move on and get caught up in their own lives. They are at home (or close to home) living their day-to-day while you’re the one trying to stay connected to where you come from.

For those of you who live/ have lived abroad, have you experienced this?

SHARING IS CARING

150 Comments

  • I have, although I found that when I lived abroad I was the one being lax about keeping in touch – I thought that logging on to AIM or Skype every day made my old life way too accessible. I wanted to be far away and disconnected, and totally immersed in my new culture. If it weren't for Facebook, I would have dropped off the planet entirely 🙂

  • I've been living in Vancouver for a year, and it will be another year until I can visit my country. And I plan to cut down the number I visit to the very, very close ones (the same ones I keep in touch with online). I don't feel like telling the same story over and over again, and, in my culture, people expect you to bring them something (especially if they have kids)… and there's a weight limit to my luggage, lol. Most people don't really want to listen to you, they just want to vent about their problems, and "check you out" (if you made money, if you gained or lost weight, if you have a man or not) so they can gossip later. And many are not really curious about the world beyond their box, their interest gets piqued only when you tell them about the women/men/sexual practices/fashion of the countries you visit.
    People are busy, but, when it comes to the really good friends, I think you can be out of touch for a while and still feel warm and familiar when you see them. Some relationships don't need constant reinforcement.

  • I lost contact with practically all my friends when I moved to Canada. Like you, I tried to keep in contact: I called, I sent cards, I even sent pictures. Response was underwhelming to say the least. Also got the impression that some people thought I was lording my happy life over them, but most were just plain not interested. So I just immersed myself in my expat life. Few years ago, my closest friend from my pre-expat life moved overseas and she told me that she now understands why I was so hurt that she didn't try to keep in contact. She was feeling the isolation. I was just like, "Duh". We've lost contact again. 😉

    You have to know when to let go and what to hold on to, otherwise you will just frustrate yourself.

  • I consider myself a pseudo-expat because I tend to do 6 month-1 year stints outside of the US then come back for a few months to a year then leave again. But I definitely agree about keeping in touch or the lack of it. There are some people I'm pretty sure I would never talk to if it weren't for Facebook. Sad part is so many of my friends actually have Skype and could call me for free on Skype and um…don't.

    I find that when I do return to the US, I only see a handful of folks (the same handful who actually made an effort to keep in touch) despite knowing quite a few people in the metro Atlanta area. And most could care less about my time overseas. Generally I don't mention it unless they bring it up, but I remember trying to read something in French (a book I brought back from Toulouse) and my brother got annoyed and asked "Why are you reading that? You're in America now!" I told him I needed to keep up the French that I learned while living in Toulouse and that reading helps me learn new words to improve my spoken French. To which he replied, "You speak French?" Something about "I just spent 6 months living in France" got lost in translation.

    Perhaps the lack of contact changes once a person moves back to their home country? Like y'all, I just take it as part of being a (pseudo)expat.

  • Hi Nikita!

    You have no idea how this post hits home for me. As a going-on 9 years expat I've noticed this growing isolation with the passing of each year. In my case, I'm more like Naomi though… it's ME that has been slowly but surely dropping off the radar. I only have 47 friends on facebook although I'm sure I could have three times that if I wanted to keep in touch with everyone I know from back home and elsewhere.

    I've given this a lot of thought and I realize that it all comes down to two things:

    1/ it HURTS real bad to realize you are no longer part of 'every day' life for the people you left behind. Sure they love to hear about you and tell you about the monumental things that happens in their lives between phone calls but every day little things, inconsequential stuff that counts for them (and vice versa for you) is happening and no amount of emails or phone calls or skyping will make up for the fact that you are missing it. Lives which once were moving in a parallel direction (school > work > friends > marriage > kids…) might still be doing so regardless of distance, but with each passing day/month/year the trajectory slowly shifts a degree or so apart. In my case, it hurts to realize this and so I prefer to ignore it altogether, staying as out of touch as possible because I know that when I will resurface realizing the new shift of trajectory will be even more painful.

    2/ The second reason is something you explain real well in your post. Living SUCH different experiences can distance people who once were really close. They can't understand what you are living because living in a foreign land means you are living FOREIGN experiences in all sense of the word to them. And the inverse is just as true. It's not because you are from a country that living away from it a certain amount of years doesn't mean it wont become foreign to YOU. When I go back home and see that my regular hangouts spots have disappeared, that people I used to know have moved away, that new people have entered the lives of my friends and have had an influence on them that is escapes me…. I suddenly realize I AM the foreigner in my own home country!

    But as you say mention in your post: "….such is the life of an expat, and this is the life that we've chosen…." and like you, I have never EVER regretted my decision to live abroad.

    Great post and I am so glad you found my blog!!

    Cheers,
    Fned.

  • Hi Nikita!

    I'm glad to have rediscovered your blog via a comment you left (last year!) on my travel blog diaryofatraveljunkie.blogspot.com though i haven't updated it in about a year 🙂

    you know, i'm not surprised to hear about the.. difficulties of keeping in touch with those back home while living abroad. well, i am a little. you'd think close friends and family would make more of an effort? but i can get it- it seems that those people who don't really understand the appeal of travel don't really get why, like you said, you'd want to live abroad – in a culture you're unfamiliar with and a language you don't speak.

    luckily, there are some who do 🙂 like me. i'm currently considering a one year overseas placement. by the time you return to toronto i will have made my decision however, i'd love to meet up with you while you are here. i'd love to hear some of your travel tales and also get your perspective being a black female traveling, living, and working abroad. you can drop me an email when you're back if you're up to it!

    i look forward to going through your archives 🙂

  • @Naomi: I actually find that I am bad at keeping in touch when I am living at home! I guess it's a matter of taking people for granted because they are "so near"… go figure!

    @Marianne: Being back home for the last week has really shown me that it is possible to slip right back into that comfortable space with friends even though we have not seen each other/talked in a while. In your situation, I don't blame you for restricting who you see, I can't imagine having people around who expect me to bring back stuff for them! Although, I can kind of understand why stories about relationships and fashion would interest them- it's really the only thing that they can entirely envision/relate too, probably!

  • @Viajera and American Black Chick: Yeah, it totally bites when you are making a consistent effort to keep in contact- I mean, really, YOU are the one who is away and trying to juggle/balance/etch out a new existence in a foreign land! I am of the firm belief that if you really want to and are invested in keeping in touch, you will. Simple as that. That being said, I can understand that people have priorities, and that contacting me while I'm away is not one of them. But what irks me particularly is when I call/email and make the effort and I don't get a response. At least write back with a one-liner acknowledging that you received the message but that you don't have the time to write back!!!

    I get pissed off when I write emails to people on Facebook and I see that, even though they have not taken the time to write me back, they have the time to update their profile every 2 minutes with status changes, putting up new albums (with captions under the pictures!) and so on and so forth. That is so wrong! LOL

  • @Fned: Fned! I am so glad that you are writing again! But yeah, I find it sad sometimes that people who were once my closest friends really have no idea, nor no interest in my day to day… Perhaps I am the peculiar one in that I am really interested in what other people are doing… Guess that's just my inquistive/nosy personality. In my experience, though, I am finding that the longer I am away from home, the more things stay the same there- I am currently back home in Toronto for a visit and I am appalled at how absolutely NOTHING has changed… Yes, there are a few new buildings here and there but in general the physical and cultural landscape is how it was seven years ago when I first starting living and travelling abroad…

    As for you being the one not keeping in touch very often, what is the reaction from your friends back home? Are they upset about your lack of contact? Sad? Relieved?

  • @ Kay: Hey there thanks for reading!!
    Firstly, DO the overseas placement! Forget about deliberating. Unless it's in a dangerous/unsavoury place, I think that you should totally go for it! Having the chance to go abroad is such an amazing/fulfilling/educational experience…
    I'm in Toronto until Thursday and it would be lovely to meet! Send me your email and let's see if we can arrange something 🙂

  • yes, i have felt the same way! i´m currently living spain and i´ve lived in france before – i was sad that people weren´t better at keeping in touch (especially since i´m really good at it), but i´m learning to get over that. it´s funny because each friendship has a different dynamic to it. one of my best friends has been an expat like me, and she wants to hear about everything, so i bombard her with lengthy e-mails every so often. then i have friends who are really good friends, who i´ve known forever, and who i never hear from – even when i was living only two hours away in london, ontario (i´m from toronto as well and i went to western :D). but every time we hang out – maybe once a year, if i happen to be at home, we can pick right up where we left off, so it makes me feel a little better that i never hear from her, 99% of the year.

    as a new expat, i also feel isolated in that i don´t know anyone i´d trust completely where i am, simply because i haven´t known them that long. i went to elementary and high school with the same people and i was close with the same group of friends all throughout, so when i first went away, i felt really out of my element. but that´s made me learn to open up to people more and enjoy the process of making new friends.

    love your blog, by the way – my stint in spain is coming to a close and am thinking of the next big thing – and i´m thinking of hong kong. i was born there but i went to canada as a baby and have only been back once (for a two-week vacay), so i´ve been thinking of going back to live and discover my roots, if you will. i´d love to tap your brain – am going to send you an e-mail. keep up the good work! am really enjoying living vicariously through you. 🙂

  • I know this is an old post but it's sooo relevant to how I'm feeling lately. I'm just wrapping up 15 months of living overseas for the first time and have gone through all kinds of emotions ranging from loneliness to excitement to everything in between.

    I really needed to read this post as I'm going back to the US in a few days to see fam and friends for a few weeks before continuing my expat life. It's good to know that I'm not the only one experiencing these a wide range of emotions and realizations. Especially the whole "Don't ask, don't tell" philosophy. It took some time to accept that people kinda just don't care about my experiences and prefer to talk about themselves. Nobody ever asks me for the details of my trips or what exactly it is that I'm doing overseas. And keeping up with people is tough especially when your life is so different from that of friends back home.

    Regardless, I'm loving expat-ing it and adore this blog 🙂 As a black female, with natural hair (this is ka1 from nappturality… I'm the girl living in Thailand), I can relate on a lot of experiences. Especially the hair – had locs for 4 yrs, cut them off 4 years ago, and am considering getting a new set since I've had every style imaginable and can't be bothered w/ hair drama 😉

  • @ka1: Glad that it resonated with you!! I still feel this way at times, but I've been trying to let go and not take it personally. I just keep trying to live my best, most fly, life… 🙂

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